Long time

I haven't posted anything for so long Firefox actually wanted me to retype the already saved password... Shame on me! Ah well, life was tough in the past few weeks and tiredness caught up with me big time. I'm swinging from exhilarated anticipation of something wonderful to dark depths of self-doubt but I'm not giving up (apart from an occasional rant on my blog - purely for cleansing purposes though...).

The Construction Management Strategies book is coming out on 30 March 2012 and my novel is coming out by the end of March too so I should be happy, right? Wrong! I spent weeks now doubting myself, doubting my writing and desperately scanning through the books in Waterstone's whilst on a business trip in Edinburgh (ssshhh!), trying to compare my writing with published and respected authors.

Good grief, why does life play around with our emotions so much? I read an article today saying we should let go and give our emotions space to breathe. I'm doing it, don't you worry about that but doubt always finds a way back (if only I'd have such a good Sat-Nav!). I let go, it feels fabulous for a while but then it comes back again and so on and so forth. Doubt, get out of my life!

My hope and my wish? All of this will go away once my books are published. In the mean time, I sit and wait for my copy-editors to do their job dying in doubt and praying my copy-editors don't come back saying it was all in vain. I love the story, I think it flows nicely but doubt is eating me alive right now. Aaghhhrrr

Ups and Downs

I was just thinking today why is it that we experience ups and downs. I woke up today in the morning feeling exhilarated and full of energy. Whatever I did during the day was blessed with a soothing feeling of accomplishment and it felt fabulous yet surreal. How is it that only a day difference can push you into a diametrically opposite direction and you almost feel as if the end of the world is nigh.

To my horror I then went about reading a little bit on Stephen Fry's experience with bipolar disorder, the mental illness that kills about 2,000 people a year in the UK alone (i.e. suicide). Good grief, this has scared the hell out of me! I think my own experience with ups and downs is nowhere near what Stephen went through but then again it made me think.

I believe my ups and downs are just a matter of perception and I refuse to accept that this is associated with any mental illness but I'm still intrigued by the dynamics of ups and downs as they appear and disappear for no reason at all. Whatever the case, should you experience anything of that kind and have suicidal thoughts, please don't keep it to yourself though! Speak to your doctor and your loved ones and don't let your mind kill you.

God, is that a depressing post or what! Sorry, just had to pour it out...